Defining Moments

Last night, I found myself thinking about church. Actually, I was thinking about specific moments in church, momments when I thought I felt or believed something significant. I would call them revelatory moments, but that sounds a little grandiose to me. And those moments weren’t truly epiphanies. They were more like commas, pauses in my thinking – moments when I felt as if I was beginning to understand something.

For example, I was remembering one sermon that our pastor gave about secrets – this was about a month or so after I discovered my partner’s infidelity. My heart was still aching. On that same day that she invited people to come up to the front of the church, those who wanted to, to receive a blessing of forgiveness. My ex was sitting right next to me and I was praying that he would get up and walk to the front of the church. He did.

You know, at the time, that seemed like a miracle to me. At that moment, I felt more certain of god than ever before. My ex even took my hand as we walked out of the church to the parking lot. I thought that our life together was going to change. That we could save our relationship and move onto something even better and strong than before. But it didn’t happen.

It’s a strange feeling. To feel that some outside influence could somehow change the direction of our lives. There certainly wasn’t evidence that this was so – not within the realm of my own personal experience. Yet there I was hoping it would happen anyway.

It’s amazing how much love and pain can blind us to the truth of things. I’m rather grateful, really, for that moment in church. It didn’t bring me any closer to god. In fact, I would have to say it had quite the opposite effect, at least in the long run. It helped me begin to question in a louder voice. Doubt had already started the process, but only in whispers. Now, I felt like shouting, yelling out my questions into the air and daring god to respond, if he existed, if he cared at all.

Of course, nothing happened that I (or my ex) didn’t make happen. I guess that day in church was somehow a defining moment for me. Maybe it was worth the trip, after all.